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- 12/04/2016
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'Twas the night before 3mas, when all through the Fen
Not a creature was dying, not even the men;
The candles were lit by the marshes with care,
In hopes that the swampdonkey soon would be there;
The young trolls were nestled all snug in their sacks,
With visions of victory when the humans attacked ;
And mamma with her lightning, and I with my club,
Had just bashed in some brains and full bellies we rub,
When out in the night there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the marsh to see what was the matter.
Away to the willows I flew in a flash,
Peered through the reeds I let out a gasp;
The moon all aglow on the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of magic to trollfens below,
When, what to my ambassador eyes should behold,
But a massive swamodonkey so ugly and bold!
With bogflies about him, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't a trick.
More rapid than jesters his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me by name;
"You dumb ugly troll now is it me or am I trippin
or do smell like a hot fart that my posterior was rippin?
From the edge of the swamp! to the sands that do squall
Your stench is by far the most awful of all! "
As leaves that are brittle as the mummies that die,
He ripped a dry fart that smelled so awful I cried;
It filled up the fens with it's stench that was gory,
With the power of a rotting carcass in all of it's glory.
And then, after barfing, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each of his hoofs.
As I swiveled my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the swampdonkey came in a bound.
He was covered all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his buttocks were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of gifts he had strapped on his back,
Looking like a noble steed that was addicted to crack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! and his teeth were so hairy!
His cheeks were all warted, was he eating a fairy?
His drooling mouth was the color of crow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of an arm he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a hideous face and a rather large belly,
That shook when he flatulated, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was ugly and hairless, a right hideous old mule,
And I laughed when I saw him, I was always the fool;
A narrowing of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I was soon to be dead;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the bogholes; then turned with a jerk,
Then blowing a booger from out of his nose,
And giving nod, up the chimney he rose;
I cried out "Don't go! " as he was leaving the fens,
And I prayed to the star of David that I'd see him again.
But I heard him exclaim, as he trotted out of sight,
"Merry 3mas to all, and to all a good-night."
Not a creature was dying, not even the men;
The candles were lit by the marshes with care,
In hopes that the swampdonkey soon would be there;
The young trolls were nestled all snug in their sacks,
With visions of victory when the humans attacked ;
And mamma with her lightning, and I with my club,
Had just bashed in some brains and full bellies we rub,
When out in the night there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the marsh to see what was the matter.
Away to the willows I flew in a flash,
Peered through the reeds I let out a gasp;
The moon all aglow on the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of magic to trollfens below,
When, what to my ambassador eyes should behold,
But a massive swamodonkey so ugly and bold!
With bogflies about him, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't a trick.
More rapid than jesters his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me by name;
"You dumb ugly troll now is it me or am I trippin
or do smell like a hot fart that my posterior was rippin?
From the edge of the swamp! to the sands that do squall
Your stench is by far the most awful of all! "
As leaves that are brittle as the mummies that die,
He ripped a dry fart that smelled so awful I cried;
It filled up the fens with it's stench that was gory,
With the power of a rotting carcass in all of it's glory.
And then, after barfing, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each of his hoofs.
As I swiveled my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the swampdonkey came in a bound.
He was covered all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his buttocks were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of gifts he had strapped on his back,
Looking like a noble steed that was addicted to crack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! and his teeth were so hairy!
His cheeks were all warted, was he eating a fairy?
His drooling mouth was the color of crow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of an arm he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a hideous face and a rather large belly,
That shook when he flatulated, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was ugly and hairless, a right hideous old mule,
And I laughed when I saw him, I was always the fool;
A narrowing of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I was soon to be dead;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the bogholes; then turned with a jerk,
Then blowing a booger from out of his nose,
And giving nod, up the chimney he rose;
I cried out "Don't go! " as he was leaving the fens,
And I prayed to the star of David that I'd see him again.
But I heard him exclaim, as he trotted out of sight,
"Merry 3mas to all, and to all a good-night."